#just venting

this week was a terrible week, and I literally had no feeling in my legs and the pain was cringe worthy, I got up when i could but the fatigue was crippling especially on mon and tues and I was literally out of it for hours straight,sun-tuesday, it is both scary and depressing when I get like that and I hate it, last week was a better week and I pushed and did alot and well these monsters got me back for it, the most frustrating thing about all these illnesses are that it’s often like you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t… I am only too aware of not giving in and fighting Ive been doing that for the last 3 years, trying to fight these monsters but I also am now trying to find a balance and accept that for now I am not the same person as I was 5months ago, 2 months ago 2 years ago and I cannot do the things that used to in the same duration, latency and frequency. I am a runner and was running 30 miles a week, I ran 5Ks and was training for a half marathon before my symptoms skyrocketed in 2010 and I was literally one day crippled and sick and scared and had no idea what was happening . I lost 125 lbs and changed my diet and do everything I knew to do because I was determined to beat these monsters and get back to the person I knew, and I am still fighting for that. But I am not there, and on top of it I am getting worse and have other diseases. It is sometimes devastating when I think about it and to not be able to do it is both depressing and makes me angry and so I write,I write on my blog, I write poetry and I write here in our group in a safe place where we can all vent and talk and be debby downers and it is a safe NON-judgmental place where we know everyone has there days and there time and this week was I guess my week to be in that dark place and I came on the other side and I do not feel bad about that and now I am back to trying to do what I can alittle at a time and I guess that is that.

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