#despondent

just got in from my pain specialist….how encouraging it was to hear verbatim from him “I don’t know what else to do, you are getting worse and I feel like it is psychological…6 months, a year from now we will be here…your symptoms are real but you going in a vicious cycle and going from specialist to specialist to find any root cause is not going to help..it is never going to go away… there is no cure… there is no magic pill or treatment that will make it better….” you will have to manage daily and deal with this” this is exactly what he said to me and I sat there gnawing in pain crying… I already knew this… but hearing these words…the finality of them the weight of them no matter how nice he said it…it is devastating….and you wonder why I have depression! I completely agree that I need my therapist back in my life…the injury on duty company refused to pay for my CBT because they said there was no causation between the anxiety and depression to my fall…and that I would have to go through my regular insurance…I have been fighting back and forth with Cigna to cover their 60% of it since I have paid close $2,000 out of my pocket in deductibles since March of this year…I told him I don;t like those words because it makes it sound like this is not real and it is in my head and I am making it up… then the case manager had the audacity to be nasty and rude and tell me it is not her job to cure me of Fibromyalgia but to get me back to work and if I can’t I better file a pension and only make half of my pay… when I tell you unleashed on her…the dragon was summoned and years of frustration and anger came out in front of Boomershine and I left her stunned and speechless…. I felt so much better after that… how dare she judge me and underhandedly try to accuse me of trying to get over on the system… I told her to close her mouth… you know nothing about me and for you to sit here and accuse me and judge me is disrespectful…I put myself through 2 degrees sometimes working 4 jobs….I am not some broke down lazy ignorant bum…I have paid into the system honestly and I will not be disrespected…Boomershine witnessed the whole thing and he did not back her rude comments up… I will continue to be out of work and will see him in December… again you wonder why I am depressed and have anxiety it is because of the system and people like her who try to belittle and demean you and your condition and I am simply having no more of it… my condition is real and I will get to a root cause of it or any underlying condition if it is the last thing I do….

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2 thoughts on “#despondent

  1. Good for you! Keep fighting to get the help you need! Fibromyalgia may mean our brains aren’t wired liked “normal” but it doesn’t mean the pain is all in our heads. I found the pain doctor I saw to be terribly unhelpful. My rheumatologist is great and helps me lots.

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