#a storms a coming

a storm is brewing both literally and physically inside and outside my body….my chronic illnesses have created within me a sixth sense of sorts…I have always been physically in tune with the weather, changes in temperature, humidity, air pressure, etc…being able to feel when rain or cold was coming and my body reacting accordingly…now these senses are heightened and abnormally sensitive, constantly overwhelmed and over stimulated by any external stimuli…..since my visit home to upstate NY, I have been trying to hold the levee off…somehow harness a superhuman control over a storm surge of a flare up.…trying to tap into an emotional state and not let the tidal wave overtake me….for the past 4.5 months I have been in hurricane and tumult state…this monster continuously weighing and raining down on my being…with the winds and rains going up and down….but now I can literally feel that I can’t keep the storm at bay any longer…it is overtaking my mental and physical state and it won’t be soon before long that I am back to that black dark abyss of a place….don’t get me wrong, I do not wish this on myself…I am just being honest…time after time this monster has come for me….I know its tricks… I know its wiles…it is an unfair opponent because even though I know its moves…I am at its mercy…vulnerable, unable to fight back…..I am trying to think positive, and do all the meditative and reflective thoughts that my psychologist is teaching me….but this illness is not just in my mind….it is a real tangible disease, just like cancer or diabetes… however, cancer and diabetes show up on an MRI, cat scan or blood panel..my disease does not…but it is real and it is rising inside me.. pray for me please…..

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#mourningmonday

pain monster attacking on all fronts today, writhing, gnawing, and gripping pain pulsating muscles, body tremors and spasms..deeply fatigued and exhausted…missed aqua therapy…this is the repayment that I get for performing normal activities…no one seems to understand that…oh well, I’ll save that vent for another day, at least the sun is shining

#saturday modesty

happy for the sunshine and grateful to have had some strength and stamina to get out and enjoy it for a little bit this morning.. but as always my body never lets me forget to remember my modesty know my limitations and remain within them… so now I am at home in bed resting and not trying to over do it which is always hardest whenever I am able to get out especially on a gorgeous weekend like today.. oh well I am blessed for what I can do and will focus on that today

# Prayers for Brianna

Heartbreaking article on Yahoo news about Brianna Shriver click here

I can relate to this feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and resilience that you and your loved ones endure when you mysteriously lose your ability to function with no cure or reason. My prayers go out to Brianna her mother and her family…

Like her on her Friends of Brianna Facebook page  to contribute to her cause

#betterday

sun shining bright today and feeling better mentally. I am more mobile and feeling less pressed and less fog bearing down on my senses over all. Pain, and ache is still there and the throbbing, but from a mood perspective feeling more hopeful. So much so that I will venture a little Pilates this morning to stretch out my riddled body. I think I’ll be modest and not try to push to the whole 20 min but cut it in half to 10, pace not push is the word of the day. I just hope the floodgates don’t burst forth again since it is always bubbling under the surface… so insidious this monster is… waiting always watching stalking to hold me down… oh and my massaged has moved up from 5 to 4 PM….. looking forward to that bliss if only for 1 hour  #staytriumphant