#good night

ok, so this post is quick since I spent half the night catching up with my best friend. Boy where did the time go??…low key day, still weak but strong (can that be possible?) I digress. …I am still treading very lightly this monster is tricky and sometimes just when I think I am all clear I am caught off guard and snatchedl way back…not quite in the clear …but through enough to see the light at the end of the long tunnel….I won’t make a run for it just yet…just count my paces slow and steady..I hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday and here’s to a terrific Thursday…peace…love…and as always #stay triumphant…..

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On my Ipod: Fly

I came to win, to fight, to conquer to thrive…I came to to win, to survive, to prosper to rise…to FLY...these lyrics really sum up my thoughts and feelings at this very moment… every time I overcome a hurdle…push through the fatigue and fog… for the all times when I take three steps forward then get pushed five steps back…to the doctors who tell me it is all in my bed….when I know better that it’s not…for living in this skin and fighting this monster day after day…for the times when I give in to the pain…but never give up on the fight…for the small accomplishments that seem so insignificant to you… but are small victories for me…for remembering that I’m not a failure until I quit……I will win, I will survive…. I WILL FLY... #get ready for it

Fly by Nicki Minaj

#modest thursday

hope everyone is doing well. beautiful day today spent with beautiful people…I love it when the sun shines all week…trying to stay mindful and modest…grateful for being on the upswing this week…but I don’t want to take things too far…and this is how we know our pain comes from something real and that it is just not “psychological”…no matter how good you may feel mentally, the monster is always lurking somewhere near, beyond the shadows….how many of you are sick of hearing doctors tell you that it is “psychological”….if I had a nickel…you know what, let me not even go there….I have had too good of a week to dip into that place…remember ,I have given it to God….so, here’s to a fantastic Friday and an even better weekend…sleep tight my friends and keep your head up…until tomorrow #stay triumphant

#give it to God

2 Corinthians 4:7-10: However, we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the power beyond what is normal may be God’s and not that out of ourselves.8We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;9we are persecuted, but not left in the lurch; we are thrown down, but not destroyed.10Always we endure everywhere in our body the death‐dealing treatment given to Jesus, that the life of Jesus may also be made manifest in our body.

this scripture basically sums up pretty well all of my thoughts and feelings tonight…I feel like I could write a book…just on what I am feeling tonight…..I just got off the phone with my psychologist who was returning a voice mail that I left with him earlier today, after I left his office…the opposite of love is not hate but indifference..and indifference is basically what I felt when I left him today…before today, I truly believed that he was different from all the others…others as in, other DOCTORS…he was the only person who I felt free, free of judgment…I felt he truly understood me in every way and had the empathy that I so desperately needed from another human….well he was until today…let’s just say in so many words in my voicemail I left him, I told him point blank.. “you are just like all the others…you smile unassumingly, nod your head and say YES YES I get it….I understand….but you are not TRULY listening to me at all…because if you were REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY listening to me…you wouldn’t say the things you are sayingbut you do not get me at all”…you have no idea what I live with every single second”…you scribble nothings on your pad and analyze me…and know not the first thing about me or my condition….

the emotional scars and wounds of these illnesses are in my opinion, greater than the pain….pain pills can numb the pain sensations for awhile…. but the emotional boulders, lonliness, and isolation we experience cannot be medicated away…and even though you might have family around you….the silence can be so awfully loud…. you can still feel alone and isolated with nowhere to turn and not feel judged, misunderstood, or like you are a burden to the world…

I am learning to accept that, for some things… it is beyond human comprehension and capacity to understand… and for these things I put my weight on God…he understands and knows the person I am…God gets my pain and he sees my suffering……the human mind is limited and I cannot become resentful of people for what they have no capacity of doing…so without fear, or shame, or anger…I have truly given all of this to GOD..REALLY and TRULY…because I do not have the power and strength to deal with it anymore…at this point all of it is in GOD’s hands and I will worry no more…I FEEL FREE….each of you will come to this place…at some point or another we each realize that all of this is much bigger than ourselves…there is a larger picture…horizons beyond the scope of human intelligence…I am simply on the ride…I am not in control and I am OK..nothing even matters…SO please, if you haven’t already… give it to God…release the weight, emotional scars, and baggage that bind you and set yourself free…and may his power be with you…AMEN…that is all I have tonight..this goes out to you, and you, and you….you know who you are…have a goodnight…and as always #stay triumphant

#isn’t it funny how life works

just finished meeting the most amazing group of people and now I am part of the group..today began as one of those days…(see my morning post here) but has ended with me feeling aglow with inspiration and my spirits lifted…I don’t get out of the house much anymore..and when I do it is rarely to socialize, but mainly to take care of necessary errands that I can’t put off any longer or appointments that leave me no choice but to drive…unfortunately, I am home bound the majority of the time….however, this journey of mine never ceases to amaze me…life works in strange ways sometimes and each experience informs and shapes the next…sometimes putting you right where you need to be…when you need to be there…we don’t always know why things happen the way they do…but sometimes it is prudent to just go with the flow.. tonight I became part of Nashville Celiacs, a chapter of the Celiac Spruce Association or CSA…

The Celiac Spruce Association provides support and information to those dealing with celiac disease and gluten intolerance…like Fibromyalgia, this chronic illness is insidious and often goes undiagnosed…once a person tests positive their world can seemingly be turned upside down overnight….sometimes an individual’s blood work never presents a positive diagnosis, yet they find their symptoms disappear on a gluten free diet….just like fibromyalgia, our group aims to provide a safe haven as well as a guide to navigating this strange wheat and grain free world….our chapter is home to some amazing people who I look forward to bonding with….I have to send specific shout outs to Anne, Cheryl, and Shannon for welcoming me with open arms…I now have a safe haven and place to have a meal, be comfortable, and not be worried about contamination…tonight was the best feeling I have had all year….as it turns out, Shannon happens to run a wonderful blog called Enjoying Gluten Free Life…and I look forward to following and learning from a fellow blogger….be sure to check her blog out…hoping for less pain and fatigue tomorrow…thankful to have left the house today…and praying for everyone who feels alone or who for whatever reason is alone, despondent, or unable to move at all…with God’s love you will survive….have a good night…and #stay triumphant

anyway, I am now part of Nashville Celiacs

# wednesday posting

sorry for my lack of meaningful posts this week…I have been in that not so positive dark place that is inevitable and inescapable no matter how hard you try…today I simply existed..to worn out and fatigued to be irritated by the incessant nerve pain…I woke up…I ate…I walked…but my heart wasn’t in any of it…my mood is low..and the cold Western NY air, lack of sunshine for the 5th consecutive day, and my homesickness are all contributing factors to my Blah factor…I won’t let this become a venting post…but on a positive note…I am grateful for my CBT (cognitive behavior therapist) he is truly the best and I feel represents my only non-judgmental human relationship with whom I can articulate my thoughts with words…he recommended that I see a psychiatrist… I finally feel at that place where I can’t improve and stabilize my mood with natural homeopathics alone as my chemical imbalance has become severe enough to merit synthetic intervention aka prescription medication…. I would write more about my thoughts on prescription meds ,my stance on their place in my life, and my decision to move forward with potential mind altering medication…but I will save that for another post…I am simply to tired and unmotivated to type any more…thank you for reading and have a blessed night….remember what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger even when we feel like we can take no more… # peace and love ….. #stay triumphant