#give it to God

2 Corinthians 4:7-10: However, we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the power beyond what is normal may be God’s and not that out of ourselves.8We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;9we are persecuted, but not left in the lurch; we are thrown down, but not destroyed.10Always we endure everywhere in our body the death‐dealing treatment given to Jesus, that the life of Jesus may also be made manifest in our body.

this scripture basically sums up pretty well all of my thoughts and feelings tonight…I feel like I could write a book…just on what I am feeling tonight…..I just got off the phone with my psychologist who was returning a voice mail that I left with him earlier today, after I left his office…the opposite of love is not hate but indifference..and indifference is basically what I felt when I left him today…before today, I truly believed that he was different from all the others…others as in, other DOCTORS…he was the only person who I felt free, free of judgment…I felt he truly understood me in every way and had the empathy that I so desperately needed from another human….well he was until today…let’s just say in so many words in my voicemail I left him, I told him point blank.. “you are just like all the others…you smile unassumingly, nod your head and say YES YES I get it….I understand….but you are not TRULY listening to me at all…because if you were REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY listening to me…you wouldn’t say the things you are sayingbut you do not get me at all”…you have no idea what I live with every single second”…you scribble nothings on your pad and analyze me…and know not the first thing about me or my condition….

the emotional scars and wounds of these illnesses are in my opinion, greater than the pain….pain pills can numb the pain sensations for awhile…. but the emotional boulders, lonliness, and isolation we experience cannot be medicated away…and even though you might have family around you….the silence can be so awfully loud…. you can still feel alone and isolated with nowhere to turn and not feel judged, misunderstood, or like you are a burden to the world…

I am learning to accept that, for some things… it is beyond human comprehension and capacity to understand… and for these things I put my weight on God…he understands and knows the person I am…God gets my pain and he sees my suffering……the human mind is limited and I cannot become resentful of people for what they have no capacity of doing…so without fear, or shame, or anger…I have truly given all of this to GOD..REALLY and TRULY…because I do not have the power and strength to deal with it anymore…at this point all of it is in GOD’s hands and I will worry no more…I FEEL FREE….each of you will come to this place…at some point or another we each realize that all of this is much bigger than ourselves…there is a larger picture…horizons beyond the scope of human intelligence…I am simply on the ride…I am not in control and I am OK..nothing even matters…SO please, if you haven’t already… give it to God…release the weight, emotional scars, and baggage that bind you and set yourself free…and may his power be with you…AMEN…that is all I have tonight..this goes out to you, and you, and you….you know who you are…have a goodnight…and as always #stay triumphant