#give it to God

2 Corinthians 4:7-10: However, we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the power beyond what is normal may be God’s and not that out of ourselves.8We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;9we are persecuted, but not left in the lurch; we are thrown down, but not destroyed.10Always we endure everywhere in our body the death‐dealing treatment given to Jesus, that the life of Jesus may also be made manifest in our body.

this scripture basically sums up pretty well all of my thoughts and feelings tonight…I feel like I could write a book…just on what I am feeling tonight…..I just got off the phone with my psychologist who was returning a voice mail that I left with him earlier today, after I left his office…the opposite of love is not hate but indifference..and indifference is basically what I felt when I left him today…before today, I truly believed that he was different from all the others…others as in, other DOCTORS…he was the only person who I felt free, free of judgment…I felt he truly understood me in every way and had the empathy that I so desperately needed from another human….well he was until today…let’s just say in so many words in my voicemail I left him, I told him point blank.. “you are just like all the others…you smile unassumingly, nod your head and say YES YES I get it….I understand….but you are not TRULY listening to me at all…because if you were REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY listening to me…you wouldn’t say the things you are sayingbut you do not get me at all”…you have no idea what I live with every single second”…you scribble nothings on your pad and analyze me…and know not the first thing about me or my condition….

the emotional scars and wounds of these illnesses are in my opinion, greater than the pain….pain pills can numb the pain sensations for awhile…. but the emotional boulders, lonliness, and isolation we experience cannot be medicated away…and even though you might have family around you….the silence can be so awfully loud…. you can still feel alone and isolated with nowhere to turn and not feel judged, misunderstood, or like you are a burden to the world…

I am learning to accept that, for some things… it is beyond human comprehension and capacity to understand… and for these things I put my weight on God…he understands and knows the person I am…God gets my pain and he sees my suffering……the human mind is limited and I cannot become resentful of people for what they have no capacity of doing…so without fear, or shame, or anger…I have truly given all of this to GOD..REALLY and TRULY…because I do not have the power and strength to deal with it anymore…at this point all of it is in GOD’s hands and I will worry no more…I FEEL FREE….each of you will come to this place…at some point or another we each realize that all of this is much bigger than ourselves…there is a larger picture…horizons beyond the scope of human intelligence…I am simply on the ride…I am not in control and I am OK..nothing even matters…SO please, if you haven’t already… give it to God…release the weight, emotional scars, and baggage that bind you and set yourself free…and may his power be with you…AMEN…that is all I have tonight..this goes out to you, and you, and you….you know who you are…have a goodnight…and as always #stay triumphant

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#modesty is the best policy

so during my late afternoon power walk…the.cold, brisk wind whipping past my face, I-pod in, I couldn’t help but feel like a warrior….for as much as this monster has taken from me it has not taken away my drive and determination…I am so grateful to just be able to walk and even though my mind tells me to run.and I feel like the power walk pace isn’t fast enough, isn’t good enough, isn’t strong enough, I had to tell myself to settle down..focus on this moment… what you can do, what you are doing right now at this moment in time…

I  now know my limits and I need to be content to stay within those limits…a wise old man helped me to think differently about my situation and he spoke these words to me…modesty is when you understand your limitations and are content to stay within those limits…as humans we mentally beat ourselves down about what we used to do, what we want to do..what we wish we could do..and even though having drive, determination, and high expectations are important motivators…we easily fall into the trap of beating ourselves up over what we can’t do…my need for perfection and obsession with more , faster, harder…has been a blessing and a curse…this drive to do more was the catalyst that I needed to lose 150 lbs and keep it off, put myself through college, and buy my first home at the age of 24….but it has also kept me up all night, lead me to harbor toxic feelings of worthlessness, and fueled deep dark thoughts of depression…

I have to constantly be mindful of my limitations and what I can’t do and sometimes it sucks…but understanding that limitations…when looked at from the right angle can help us live in the present and be at peace with ourselves and with a new set of circumstances…these were my thoughts as I walked… and I am now finally able to share them with you…today was a beautiful, sunny day and I was able to venture out of the house…now how good is that…I am now sore, exhausted, and overripe for bed..but I had to get these words to each of you before retiring…

don’t sell yourself short…remember, inch by inch it’s a cinch… and it isn’t failure until you quit..here’s to perseverance and modesty…peace and love tonight..so many things to pray for…#good night #stay triumphant

#Saturday survival

survived another Saturday….its seems as though they all blur together….despite it all, today shaped up to be an ok day….and OK for me is splendid….physical therapy and a little walking…body is tired and fatigued…mind is going 80 miles per hour…I hope everyone out there in the blogosphere had an awesome day…wishing for sunshine and less stiffness tomorrow…praying for all those enduring hardship and pain…remember, you may down down..but don’t count yourself out…endurance works out faith…it may be hard to see but the twists and turns along this journey called life are part of a much larger story…beyond every rainstorm is a rainbow….signing off…#goodnight #stay triumphant

#on my Ipod: Triumphant

this song Triumphant by the iconic Mariah Carey uplifts me and gives me the strength and courage to press on..especially on black days like today…although ill received by critics and casual listeners…these lyrics carry me through this painful journey

what hits home the most:”can’t fall down, for even when clouds surround you…and everyone seems to doubt you…baby still know who you are…see you gotta keep on climbing in spite of the chains that bind you you can see the mountain top it’s not to far…

it isn’t failure until you quit

 

#can do Wednesday

beautiful Wednesday…grateful to be able to get out of the house thing morning and  take a morning walk and then soak in some much needed vitamin D….body is screaming and paying for the normal person activity I engaged….deep tissue pulsating pain right now…Flexeril is not taking the edge off…at all…I need Vicodin back in my life and pronto…trying to keep positive and not over do it…I have to keep telling myself…when you can do, Doand when you can’t, Don’t…inch by inch its a cinch…how is your day going? …I hope everyone is looking for the good in their life..itis so much easier to focus on what is wrong or what we don’t have…but we can all find something to smile about…and even if you can’t, smile anyway…it will make you feel better…#stay positive.

#goodnight again

can’t reiterate again how good it feels to be back home…in my own space and routine…maybe its my crazy mind..but when I’m away I feel so disconnected to my element and my diet/regime etc and now I feel complete again, whole, back to my clean whole food way of life….all showered, relaxed, BioFreeze rubdown melatonin cocktail and all…looking forward to a mindful Wednesday…sweat dreams….and beautiful nightmares…#stay triumphant

#soul food sunday

grateful for one of the most productive weekends I have had in a long while…trying to stay mindful and positive…keeping focused on what I can do and not the pain and fatigue my body is screaming…thankful for my family, my ability to cook, and have fellowship, love, and bonding time over cooking and preparing good food…we all have something to be thankful for in our lives…how is your weekend…remember when you can do, DO and when you can’t DON’T…#be blessed…#stay triumphant…happy Sunday!!!