#modesty is the best policy

so during my late afternoon power walk…the.cold, brisk wind whipping past my face, I-pod in, I couldn’t help but feel like a warrior….for as much as this monster has taken from me it has not taken away my drive and determination…I am so grateful to just be able to walk and even though my mind tells me to run.and I feel like the power walk pace isn’t fast enough, isn’t good enough, isn’t strong enough, I had to tell myself to settle down..focus on this moment… what you can do, what you are doing right now at this moment in time…

I  now know my limits and I need to be content to stay within those limits…a wise old man helped me to think differently about my situation and he spoke these words to me…modesty is when you understand your limitations and are content to stay within those limits…as humans we mentally beat ourselves down about what we used to do, what we want to do..what we wish we could do..and even though having drive, determination, and high expectations are important motivators…we easily fall into the trap of beating ourselves up over what we can’t do…my need for perfection and obsession with more , faster, harder…has been a blessing and a curse…this drive to do more was the catalyst that I needed to lose 150 lbs and keep it off, put myself through college, and buy my first home at the age of 24….but it has also kept me up all night, lead me to harbor toxic feelings of worthlessness, and fueled deep dark thoughts of depression…

I have to constantly be mindful of my limitations and what I can’t do and sometimes it sucks…but understanding that limitations…when looked at from the right angle can help us live in the present and be at peace with ourselves and with a new set of circumstances…these were my thoughts as I walked… and I am now finally able to share them with you…today was a beautiful, sunny day and I was able to venture out of the house…now how good is that…I am now sore, exhausted, and overripe for bed..but I had to get these words to each of you before retiring…

don’t sell yourself short…remember, inch by inch it’s a cinch… and it isn’t failure until you quit..here’s to perseverance and modesty…peace and love tonight..so many things to pray for…#good night #stay triumphant

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#a storms a coming

a storm is brewing both literally and physically inside and outside my body….my chronic illnesses have created within me a sixth sense of sorts…I have always been physically in tune with the weather, changes in temperature, humidity, air pressure, etc…being able to feel when rain or cold was coming and my body reacting accordingly…now these senses are heightened and abnormally sensitive, constantly overwhelmed and over stimulated by any external stimuli…..since my visit home to upstate NY, I have been trying to hold the levee off…somehow harness a superhuman control over a storm surge of a flare up.…trying to tap into an emotional state and not let the tidal wave overtake me….for the past 4.5 months I have been in hurricane and tumult state…this monster continuously weighing and raining down on my being…with the winds and rains going up and down….but now I can literally feel that I can’t keep the storm at bay any longer…it is overtaking my mental and physical state and it won’t be soon before long that I am back to that black dark abyss of a place….don’t get me wrong, I do not wish this on myself…I am just being honest…time after time this monster has come for me….I know its tricks… I know its wiles…it is an unfair opponent because even though I know its moves…I am at its mercy…vulnerable, unable to fight back…..I am trying to think positive, and do all the meditative and reflective thoughts that my psychologist is teaching me….but this illness is not just in my mind….it is a real tangible disease, just like cancer or diabetes… however, cancer and diabetes show up on an MRI, cat scan or blood panel..my disease does not…but it is real and it is rising inside me.. pray for me please…..

#prayer works

so happy that fall is here and the weather reflects such… partly sunny, cool with a warm breeze… grateful to have 2 days in a row of being able to get out, pain at a level 7 and fatigue at about a level 8.. not looking for perfection or a miracle, not my best not my worth, hey I’m not complaining.. grateful for each day.. inch by inch… #prayerworks