#newperspective

today was a brighter day literally and figuratively. Contrary to the weather report we had a full day of sun instead of rain and even though I still feel blah, I managed to get out to the store for a spell and take in a little sun and fresh air from the whipping wind. I did a lot of freelance writing this evening, had some great phone conversations and tonight met and chatted with a new Fibro friend, with whom I have yet to meet in person, but share a experience and have a bond with in our day to day battle with Fibro.

She helped me gain some new and different perspectives on my “appointed” time and see my new place from a different angle. Earlier this week I was definitely feeling like like my glass was more than half empty but today, Saturday I am back to seeing it more than half full again.  So, with that I will sleep well tonight.

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#rockstar Ronan

I follow Maya’s blog @ www.rockstarronan.com and I just wanted to take a moment to thank you so much Maya for having the courage to unabashedly keep it 100% real, raw and HONEST and put yourself and your thoughts, and your anger and your frustration out there for the entire world. I am so inspired by your journey and by your bravery to keep it real and shed the truth on the horror that childhood cancer is. You are the truth, you are real and you are FEARLESS; in that even when the truth hurts, you share it and you do not sugar coat it.  You do not attempt to hide the truth and candy coat it or package it into a nice neat little box so that it will fit into the societal context of what chronic illness and disease should look like.

Cancer is real, cancer is raw and Cancer took your child prematurely and you are not afraid to say that that sh%t sucks. because the truth is that it does suck, it sucks and it hurts and it is not pretty and no matter how some people say that you should be optimistic and you should paint on a smile when you walk outside to not bruise the egos of others, You show that taking it head on and being optimistic sometimes, well sometimes that does not help and smiling even when you are dying inside and hurting inside and numb inside and the pain is searing inside, well smiling does not make it go away. Sometimes you just don’t feel like smiling and when people say just get over it, or in time it will heal, go get a  nice meal to take your mind off of it,  and get out of the house, they don’t understand that you can never just take your mind off of it. It is all encompassing, insidious, lingering , omnipresent and it lives and breaths with you always all the time and no matter how you may try to run away from it, or forget it and think about something else, it is there with you to remind you and it will never go away.

The pain and the mental, physical and emotional fatigue that it takes just to drag your pain riddled body out of the bed, into the bathroom , into the shower and put on clothes and to attempt to drive only to feel the panick, and the pain and the anxiety that ensues when that feeling over takes you and you feel like the pain is enveloping and it engulfs your whole being and your cognitive functioning begins to shut down and the haze and the ache ensues and you are stuck and frozen in that place, in that moment in time, where are they then to help, when you have left your safe zone, your comfort your dark and place? Where are they to take the wheel and guide you safe back to that place? and it is on a wing and a prayer and literally by the grace of god that you reach your destination safely and now have to get back to wherever you came from?

What happens then? You pummel through it and you fight, and you press on and you do what you have to do to survive and you return back to your home, this is what you do, we do every single day despite the ills and the perils, despite the pain and the fatigue. This is the strength that carries you through and no, sometimes you do it and you would rather do something else, and sometimes you do it without a smile but you do it. Does that not count? Is that not strength? Does that make you bad because you say that it sucks? and you are worn out and tired of it? Does that make you lesser than?

You share your heart and you share the bad and the ugly and you share that the truth is not always pretty and the truth is not pink and rosy and happy. Facing the truth, the facts, the REAL what ever that is for you, me or anyone is not always pretty and it is not always nice and you know what, THAT IS OK .

So, I want to take a moment to say thank you Maya, thank you for inspiring me thank you for sharing your struggle, your REAL your TRUTH and for not being afraid of that truth no matter how ugly that is.