#fear no more

I live in fear…fear that my next move will be painful….fear that I might push my body to far…fear that I’ll be down for the count…fear of another flare…fear I might not be able to move tomorrow…fear of the future…and you know what I’m tired of it…so today I ran…it started off as a walk and as I walked I felt like running..so I ran….not to fast not too hard..but it was a run and it felt great…this illness has taken away so much of my life..and I’m over it…It felt great to live in the moment…not over think my moves..to not be in fear of what the moves would do to my body…to not over think my actions…that’s how I felt and I won’t allow myself to regret it…there’s a scripture that says “fear not those who kill the body,but cannot destroy  the soul”….chronic illness might damage my body…but I refuse to let it take away my soul…my inner drive…my spirit…my life…I will fear no more..

Those are my thoughts for today…the blog will be down for a spell as it is being migrated to another platform…so comments and updates will be turned off for the moment…Happy Tuesday and Wednesday….#stay triumphant

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#sweet dreams & beautiful nightmares

blue_moon_by_chasing_dreams_350another week and weekend has come to an end…I can’t believe we are already half way through month one of 2013…for me, all the days and weeks kind of blur together…especially with me being home bound the majority of the time…I’ll keep this post positive even though my body isn’t feeling so…grateful that the sun made a return and that I was able to get out the house a few times this weekend…thankful for the roof over my head, my heat and hot water, and the ability to breathe…I hope every has a safe night, with peaceful dreams, and maybe a beautiful nightmare or (two)…praying for joy in the morning and no weeping for tonight….you (we) are more blessed than we know…goodnight #stay triumphant

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#weekend warrior

this is my first post of the weekend…fortunately, I’ve been too busy out enjoying it for the first time in many months…what did I do to be blessed with four consecutive awesome days!…I don’t know but I am grateful and intend to pay it forward with a few good deeds…the weather has been flawless, my pain has been low and fatigue has taken more of a back seat supporting role as opposed to the lead…I got out, I walked, I caught the suns rays, I baked…visited friends…and it was all just lovely and awesome….the storm has broke, for just a little and we are a midst a gorgeous rainbow…but as I know I have not been “miraculously cured” and I haven’t forgotten that I have a chronic illness…I didn’t walk too close to the side walk and become immodest….I want this good streak to last just a little longer if it can and that means that not too far from the front of my existence is my acceptance of my limitations, pacing myself, and not going to crazy….I hope you too had low pain this weekend…the planets quite literally seem to be aligned..and there is something in the weather because it certainly does not feel like January…. as we go into the second week of 2013 I am happy to have started the year on a high note….I will remember this weekend…have a restful night…and as always # stay triumphant

#fancy free Friday

two great days in the row…what planets and stars were aligned to bring me this?…I found myself out running errands today, smiling, relatively pain free, care free….burden free, fancy free….see all the Free’s I came up with on the fly…seriously though I feel truly blessed to have had an awesome day…it is the rare moments like this, the glimpse of my former self…deep down inside, beneath all the pain and ache and fatigue and over active nerves that person is there…and it is my new mission to find him so he can stay and these “free” moments will last forever….knock on wood, let’s not jinx the moment…I truly hope everyone out there had as good of a day as me..one day at a time..new and exciting things on the horizon…remember at the end of every storm comes a rainbow….our moment is coming….stay warm, stay hopeful…stay triumphant…#good night

#down for the count

So I admit it. I pushed way to far this week…and while on one hand, I am happy to have been able to do more in a week than I have in months….I know I will be paying for it as this week unfolds….so I am making a determination to not complain…I know the forecast and I am prepared for the dark clouds that will be hanging over my bed for the next week….this monster in here and has overtaken with a vengeance….the world is in my prayers tonight…despite my ills, there are those in worse pain than I am tonight…those who have no pill to help them cope with their pain and loss…we are truly living in critical times hard to deal with…..it is clear by world events where we are and I keep on the watch…no body knows the time or the hour…just remember, there is a rainbow at the end of every storm….sorrow proceeds the sunlight….and even though you may not see it now,,,there will be brighter days on the horizon…I’ll commit these words to my own memory this week….. good day and good night #stay triumphant

#modest thursday

hope everyone is doing well. beautiful day today spent with beautiful people…I love it when the sun shines all week…trying to stay mindful and modest…grateful for being on the upswing this week…but I don’t want to take things too far…and this is how we know our pain comes from something real and that it is just not “psychological”…no matter how good you may feel mentally, the monster is always lurking somewhere near, beyond the shadows….how many of you are sick of hearing doctors tell you that it is “psychological”….if I had a nickel…you know what, let me not even go there….I have had too good of a week to dip into that place…remember ,I have given it to God….so, here’s to a fantastic Friday and an even better weekend…sleep tight my friends and keep your head up…until tomorrow #stay triumphant

#give it to God

2 Corinthians 4:7-10: However, we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the power beyond what is normal may be God’s and not that out of ourselves.8We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;9we are persecuted, but not left in the lurch; we are thrown down, but not destroyed.10Always we endure everywhere in our body the death‐dealing treatment given to Jesus, that the life of Jesus may also be made manifest in our body.

this scripture basically sums up pretty well all of my thoughts and feelings tonight…I feel like I could write a book…just on what I am feeling tonight…..I just got off the phone with my psychologist who was returning a voice mail that I left with him earlier today, after I left his office…the opposite of love is not hate but indifference..and indifference is basically what I felt when I left him today…before today, I truly believed that he was different from all the others…others as in, other DOCTORS…he was the only person who I felt free, free of judgment…I felt he truly understood me in every way and had the empathy that I so desperately needed from another human….well he was until today…let’s just say in so many words in my voicemail I left him, I told him point blank.. “you are just like all the others…you smile unassumingly, nod your head and say YES YES I get it….I understand….but you are not TRULY listening to me at all…because if you were REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY listening to me…you wouldn’t say the things you are sayingbut you do not get me at all”…you have no idea what I live with every single second”…you scribble nothings on your pad and analyze me…and know not the first thing about me or my condition….

the emotional scars and wounds of these illnesses are in my opinion, greater than the pain….pain pills can numb the pain sensations for awhile…. but the emotional boulders, lonliness, and isolation we experience cannot be medicated away…and even though you might have family around you….the silence can be so awfully loud…. you can still feel alone and isolated with nowhere to turn and not feel judged, misunderstood, or like you are a burden to the world…

I am learning to accept that, for some things… it is beyond human comprehension and capacity to understand… and for these things I put my weight on God…he understands and knows the person I am…God gets my pain and he sees my suffering……the human mind is limited and I cannot become resentful of people for what they have no capacity of doing…so without fear, or shame, or anger…I have truly given all of this to GOD..REALLY and TRULY…because I do not have the power and strength to deal with it anymore…at this point all of it is in GOD’s hands and I will worry no more…I FEEL FREE….each of you will come to this place…at some point or another we each realize that all of this is much bigger than ourselves…there is a larger picture…horizons beyond the scope of human intelligence…I am simply on the ride…I am not in control and I am OK..nothing even matters…SO please, if you haven’t already… give it to God…release the weight, emotional scars, and baggage that bind you and set yourself free…and may his power be with you…AMEN…that is all I have tonight..this goes out to you, and you, and you….you know who you are…have a goodnight…and as always #stay triumphant