#everything’s gonna be alright

the wrong side of the bed expression won’t cut it for today…I woke up feeling like I had slept on the floor….better yet on the pavement, outside, all night in the freezing rain…needless to say it wasn’t a great moment…but today was doctor appointment day so I was forced out of the lair…probably for the best..sunshine made a return and the vitamin D was much needed for all….at this point me and doctor visits are an exercise in futility…a necessary evil, that stresses out my system, makes me feel nauseous, sick to my stomach, shaky…despondent, angry…and all of the above…I’m so far over doctors that I don’t even have the vocabulary necessary to articulate…and that is no exaggeration…and so I won’t even try to articulate…what I will say is my day ended better than it began, mentally more so than anything…I was able to turn my attitude around…find positivity and carry forth…I guess that’s what it’s all about…physically I feel beat, worn, broken, maimed, tattered….but mentally I know that everything’s gonna be alright….and with that I’ll sign off…wishing, hoping and praying for strength tomorrow, sending positive vibes to everyone feeling like they want to give up on the world, please keep pushing on….in time everything will be alright….#good night…peace be with you #stay triumphant

Advertisements

#can’t even know what to say

I can’t even know what to say…another day…another flare…day I can’t even remember of this most recent flare…pain specialist and psychiatry visit tomorrow…feeling worn out, fatigued out, tired out, pained out and just put out…how was your day…on a happy note the sun made a comeback today…thank goodness…despite the pain and fatigue…sunshine makes everything just a tad bit more tolerable…weeping may endure tonight, but joy comes in the morning…stay positive, you are blessed and worth more than many sparrows….#goodnight #stay triumphant

#stuck in neutral

another Monday….another flare up…overbearing…fatigue…weakness…muscle spasms, nausea…I think that just about sums up my day….check down the list….this weekend was a bust and Saturday through today seemed to be one long omnipresent day…on a happier note my order of bound books finally arrived….these are the copies that I can give to friends and supporters….the paper back copies should be on the Amazon marketplace by the end of the week…HOORAY!…it all seems rather anticlimactic….here I have been anxiously awaiting the final production of my book…so excited to be redesigning the blog and now that everything is shaping up just as I had envisioned….I feel tired, listless, weakened…and kind of empty….like a car stuck in the gear….the motor is running, the engine is revving up, but the car just sits there…stuck like a bump on a log…the wheels spinning and spinning but the car is stuck in neutral….yes…. I guess that’s how I feel…I perpetually feel like I am stuck in neutral…always revving up my engine but never seem to be getting anywhere…just stuck in the same gear….wheels spinning…. going no where…..should I give up?….I guess I will stop my rambling and stop feeling sorry for myself…..positivity really is the best remedy…I hope everyone in the blogosphere had a marvelous Monday….keep positive no matter what life throws at you…remember it’s not a failure unless you quit….and never stop revving up your engine…good night #stay triumphant

#man down

going at four weeks of suffering in this terrible flare….Sunday night right after I posted the end of 2012 posts I went into another inexplicable surge of excruciating debilitating, pain, sweats, trembling etc…this is the second time in a week that this has happened…I swear the flush of sensations is like nothing I’ve ever experienced….far greater than my normal pain these surges wear me out. my body literally fighting against itself…I swear I am dying as I writhe and roll around between the bed and the floor, crying , begging, and praying for mercy…both times I came close to calling the ER but I feel like sitting in a ED lobby in such a state will only make it worse….and for them to say nothing is wrong and dismiss me…no Thanks… I am better off suffering in my house…fortunately this time I had a doctors appointment for which my friend graciously drove me to…I got a new pain med something stronger that gave me some relief since nothing else was working..when I got back home I medicated up and was finally able to find peace and sleep…I am just coming to…I feel worn out, and like I have survived being pummeled to near death by rocks,…so needless to say I am pretty weak, lethargic and listless…happy Tuesday and happy 1st day of 2013….mine is starting off right where 2012 left off…

#sunrise Sunday

beautiful clear and sunny Nashville day….I can see it from my bedroom window….another day in this weeks long flare…pain is numbing and pounding in my mind….fatigued and feeling weighed down…on a good note I had the stamina to cook myself a homemade meal for the first time in weeks….emotionally feeling blah, drained and over it…no matter how much I try to push through the depression and low mood, being in constant pain and inflammation slowly wears away at my psyche and chips away my spirit…nothing new where that is concerned…..just another day in my life of living with fibromyalgia….that’s all I have, no spirit to blog today….#Happy Sunday

#give it to God

2 Corinthians 4:7-10: However, we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the power beyond what is normal may be God’s and not that out of ourselves.8We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;9we are persecuted, but not left in the lurch; we are thrown down, but not destroyed.10Always we endure everywhere in our body the death‐dealing treatment given to Jesus, that the life of Jesus may also be made manifest in our body.

this scripture basically sums up pretty well all of my thoughts and feelings tonight…I feel like I could write a book…just on what I am feeling tonight…..I just got off the phone with my psychologist who was returning a voice mail that I left with him earlier today, after I left his office…the opposite of love is not hate but indifference..and indifference is basically what I felt when I left him today…before today, I truly believed that he was different from all the others…others as in, other DOCTORS…he was the only person who I felt free, free of judgment…I felt he truly understood me in every way and had the empathy that I so desperately needed from another human….well he was until today…let’s just say in so many words in my voicemail I left him, I told him point blank.. “you are just like all the others…you smile unassumingly, nod your head and say YES YES I get it….I understand….but you are not TRULY listening to me at all…because if you were REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY listening to me…you wouldn’t say the things you are sayingbut you do not get me at all”…you have no idea what I live with every single second”…you scribble nothings on your pad and analyze me…and know not the first thing about me or my condition….

the emotional scars and wounds of these illnesses are in my opinion, greater than the pain….pain pills can numb the pain sensations for awhile…. but the emotional boulders, lonliness, and isolation we experience cannot be medicated away…and even though you might have family around you….the silence can be so awfully loud…. you can still feel alone and isolated with nowhere to turn and not feel judged, misunderstood, or like you are a burden to the world…

I am learning to accept that, for some things… it is beyond human comprehension and capacity to understand… and for these things I put my weight on God…he understands and knows the person I am…God gets my pain and he sees my suffering……the human mind is limited and I cannot become resentful of people for what they have no capacity of doing…so without fear, or shame, or anger…I have truly given all of this to GOD..REALLY and TRULY…because I do not have the power and strength to deal with it anymore…at this point all of it is in GOD’s hands and I will worry no more…I FEEL FREE….each of you will come to this place…at some point or another we each realize that all of this is much bigger than ourselves…there is a larger picture…horizons beyond the scope of human intelligence…I am simply on the ride…I am not in control and I am OK..nothing even matters…SO please, if you haven’t already… give it to God…release the weight, emotional scars, and baggage that bind you and set yourself free…and may his power be with you…AMEN…that is all I have tonight..this goes out to you, and you, and you….you know who you are…have a goodnight…and as always #stay triumphant